Wednesday, 13 July 2011

words of a lost girl

i've just read the dark and passionate words of a lost girl.

someone who has denied herself for the sake of social conformity; someone who punishes herself for her desires - most of them good and decent - as she's been so convinced of their being bad; someone who has been brutally punished by the very reverend for each time she sidestepped from the popular path; someone who became so damaged and lost by not listening to herself and not allowing herself to grow into herself, that she has become hidden - her best kept secret; someone who allowed herself be so consumed in her lost love that she has been unable to fall out of it and has instead sunk deeper and deeper into lonliness, recreating an image of her ex-girlfriend in a dream and projecting it into her reality - getting out of bed becomes difficult, she dreams of living late nights and early mornings for all eternity with her lost love... the image is incomplete, though, containing only remarkable moments - its the bits in between that strengthen relationships and make them special, yet it's so difficult to grasp onto these... how did we become so close?

"this pure, pure evil grasping, twisting, pushing me forward."

i have the most distinct feeling that my internal monologue has not always been here, yet i can't remember a time when it wasn't... "your mind is a sponge for information", said a good friend last night... "and forgot almost nothing", says the lost girl... it's getting so loud and sometimes it's hard to work out what's past, what's present and what's future! it's like she wrote it all down in one breath and i breath it too!... "will you still love me when we've nothing left to say?"

the church has had such a stronghold on young irish people's lives for so many generations - it shatters the self-confidence of all but the few that find truth in its teachings and fall into that mould, - it's dear departure will be only a small loss, suffered by few good and genuine people. i respect those that find inner peace through the practices of the church but fear that most followers are either lost or exploiting "the gospel" for personal gain. anything that promotes peace and strength and self-worth is positive, but my experiences with the church have not yielded such a bounty - i visited a mostly spiteful, greedy, dishonest and impersonal mass... i find my own way through right and wrong and though there is much overlap, my lifestyle would not please their god!

i hope she finds the strength to step out of the version of herself she is currently confined to, and finds the new, more honest and appropriate girl bursting to come out and play.

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